(re)birth day

It has been over a month since I've actively been to this space. And I miss it so. Many adventures and memories made (coupled with loss of internet for a couple of weeks!) and now I am making my way back. 

I have a wonderful story to tell you.

For a long time, I have wanted to shave my head. Sometimes out of adventure and sometimes out of just being really tired of the maintenance of hair (and I'm pretty low maintenance). But it is also something I seriously never thought I would have the courage to do.

As I've said before, I don't stand out. And if there's anything that's gonna make ya stand out, it's being a woman with a shaved head. Back in October when I wrote that post, shaving my head started to be on my mind a LOT. I couldn't shake that feeling of not just going for it but needing to.

Inspired by so many powerful, badass, soulful women before me to take this path, I decided to leap.

I set the date for my birthday. As the days leading up to it passed, I was giving myself almost constant pep talks. I was devouring inspirational quotes about overcoming fear and living an authentic life.

Because yes, I was afraid.

The day came and suddenly I wasn't so sure. I took some time to sit and meditate over it. I acknowledged my fears and reservations and finally understood that if I didn't do it, I would regret it-- regardless of whether or not my fears were realized. Sort of damned if you do, damned if you don't I suppose. My wonderful husband, who may have thought I was going bat shit crazy (but supported me anyway) set out the clippers and took the kids for a drive so I could be with myself. 

Oh, but that first chop. One of the hardest things I have ever done. I stood there with the scissors in my hair... hands trembling, heart and breath quickening. I started cutting and the panic kept growing. What was I doing?! I started to feel physically ill. By this point my hair was butchered and I wondered if there was any way to turn back. (No.) I heard the front door open. And that marvelous man came into the room. He came in and almost instantly my heart slowed, my panic subsided. I've come to discover something about this man. He is my parachute. When I am in a wild downward spiral - he grounds me. This is not to say that I lack the power without him. No, it is more like: He helps me to know the power within.

He wrapped me up in his arms and then he laughed. And laughed and laughed. After that, we had fun. Any remaining fear was gone and together, we finished the job. 

***

That was two weeks ago and I'm ready to shave it again. I want to feel this for as long as it seems right. Plus, it's really just a lot of fun.

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I cannot begin to describe or understand the full extent of this journey and adventure I am on. But I am so overwhelmed by this experience and so happy to have done it. I have found a confidence I didn't know was in there. I feel powerful. I feel bold. I stand tall. I am no longer content to remain in the shadows. Have you ever thought about shaving your head? Do it. Or whatever it is that you are drawn to but terrified of. Go and be.

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"It is not given us to live lives of undisrupted calm, boredom, and mediocrity. It is given us to be edge-dwellers."

Jay Deacon