(re)birth day

It has been over a month since I've actively been to this space. And I miss it so. Many adventures and memories made (coupled with loss of internet for a couple of weeks!) and now I am making my way back. 

I have a wonderful story to tell you.

For a long time, I have wanted to shave my head. Sometimes out of adventure and sometimes out of just being really tired of the maintenance of hair (and I'm pretty low maintenance). But it is also something I seriously never thought I would have the courage to do.

As I've said before, I don't stand out. And if there's anything that's gonna make ya stand out, it's being a woman with a shaved head. Back in October when I wrote that post, shaving my head started to be on my mind a LOT. I couldn't shake that feeling of not just going for it but needing to.

Inspired by so many powerful, badass, soulful women before me to take this path, I decided to leap.

I set the date for my birthday. As the days leading up to it passed, I was giving myself almost constant pep talks. I was devouring inspirational quotes about overcoming fear and living an authentic life.

Because yes, I was afraid.

The day came and suddenly I wasn't so sure. I took some time to sit and meditate over it. I acknowledged my fears and reservations and finally understood that if I didn't do it, I would regret it-- regardless of whether or not my fears were realized. Sort of damned if you do, damned if you don't I suppose. My wonderful husband, who may have thought I was going bat shit crazy (but supported me anyway) set out the clippers and took the kids for a drive so I could be with myself. 

Oh, but that first chop. One of the hardest things I have ever done. I stood there with the scissors in my hair... hands trembling, heart and breath quickening. I started cutting and the panic kept growing. What was I doing?! I started to feel physically ill. By this point my hair was butchered and I wondered if there was any way to turn back. (No.) I heard the front door open. And that marvelous man came into the room. He came in and almost instantly my heart slowed, my panic subsided. I've come to discover something about this man. He is my parachute. When I am in a wild downward spiral - he grounds me. This is not to say that I lack the power without him. No, it is more like: He helps me to know the power within.

He wrapped me up in his arms and then he laughed. And laughed and laughed. After that, we had fun. Any remaining fear was gone and together, we finished the job. 

***

That was two weeks ago and I'm ready to shave it again. I want to feel this for as long as it seems right. Plus, it's really just a lot of fun.

***

I cannot begin to describe or understand the full extent of this journey and adventure I am on. But I am so overwhelmed by this experience and so happy to have done it. I have found a confidence I didn't know was in there. I feel powerful. I feel bold. I stand tall. I am no longer content to remain in the shadows. Have you ever thought about shaving your head? Do it. Or whatever it is that you are drawn to but terrified of. Go and be.

***

"It is not given us to live lives of undisrupted calm, boredom, and mediocrity. It is given us to be edge-dwellers."

Jay Deacon

becoming

On Monday at the blog of the amazing Kris Carr, she and some of her team revealed their desires for the coming year.

I love this exercise and I think it builds on my post from last week.

I can already feel the power of this upcoming year. I know it will be so transformative-- there is truly the potential for boundless personal growth, new beginnings, abundance and healing.

I encourage you to sit and meditate over these questions. It's not too soon to get an action plan going for the upcoming year. I've never been one for clichéd resolutions but a few open-ended desires cultivate awareness and allow for expansive personal development.

※ ※ ※ ※

My three core desired feelings are: 

Nurtured

Energetic

Inspired

What I'm doing in 2013 to feel that way: Making time for myself first. Cultivating & nurturing my budding spirituality by adding yoga and meditation practices into my life. Creating a living spaces that allows flow rather than stagnancy.

What I'm doing this week: Clearing out my living space-- eliminating all the meaningless shit weighing me down.

What I'm no longer doing: Overextending myself and undervaluing my own capabilities and worth.

What about you? What do you want to cultivate in 2013?

Thanks for the reminder.

You know how sometimes life tries to get you to slow down. And the longer you go on, the harder it tries, until finally you're on your ass with life standing over you saying "What now?!"

Goodness. This past week month has been a bit like that. It just seemed like everything was coming to a head and even the simplest, most basic tasks were just too much.

So the Universe, in her infinite wisdom, kindly handed me a bout of mastitis that forced me to stay in bed, cycling between feeling freezing cold and sweltering hot, sleeping for about 20 out of the 24 hours. A slap in the face if there ever was one to not just slow down but STOP.

Only now, my to-do list is massive, but hey, I'm rested!

But I realized something while I was lying in bed. I've let myself go. I have truly failed myself. There was a time, not terribly long ago when I was making myself a priority; exercising, tending to my own needs, etc. Yet somewhere along the line, I lost sight of how important I am.

And it's easy to feel overwhelmed when you're neglecting yourself. Easy to feel resentful when you tend to everybody's needs but your own.

I've never done this before but I've read of other people doing this: I have chosen a word for 2013. A word to guide me and focus on throughout the year. A word to keep me in tune with my goals. I encourage you to do the same. My word:

Nurture

Here's to taking care of me. 

stepping out of the shadows

I don't stand out.

For much too long, I've convinced myself that I am just fine blending in, observing, staying quiet or thinking I have nothing to offer.

Lately though I've felt this urge to overcome that part of myself that worries what others may think or say. To just say, "Fuck it!" and be me. Authentic. Who I was always been meant to be .

This journey I am on... I don't know what it means or where it is taking me but it is pulling hard. And in many directions. It can feel chaotic at times but I know that surrounding the chaos is exceptional beauty.

one must have chaos within oneself in order to give birth to a dancing star

friedrich nietzsche