(re)birth day

It has been over a month since I've actively been to this space. And I miss it so. Many adventures and memories made (coupled with loss of internet for a couple of weeks!) and now I am making my way back. 

I have a wonderful story to tell you.

For a long time, I have wanted to shave my head. Sometimes out of adventure and sometimes out of just being really tired of the maintenance of hair (and I'm pretty low maintenance). But it is also something I seriously never thought I would have the courage to do.

As I've said before, I don't stand out. And if there's anything that's gonna make ya stand out, it's being a woman with a shaved head. Back in October when I wrote that post, shaving my head started to be on my mind a LOT. I couldn't shake that feeling of not just going for it but needing to.

Inspired by so many powerful, badass, soulful women before me to take this path, I decided to leap.

I set the date for my birthday. As the days leading up to it passed, I was giving myself almost constant pep talks. I was devouring inspirational quotes about overcoming fear and living an authentic life.

Because yes, I was afraid.

The day came and suddenly I wasn't so sure. I took some time to sit and meditate over it. I acknowledged my fears and reservations and finally understood that if I didn't do it, I would regret it-- regardless of whether or not my fears were realized. Sort of damned if you do, damned if you don't I suppose. My wonderful husband, who may have thought I was going bat shit crazy (but supported me anyway) set out the clippers and took the kids for a drive so I could be with myself. 

Oh, but that first chop. One of the hardest things I have ever done. I stood there with the scissors in my hair... hands trembling, heart and breath quickening. I started cutting and the panic kept growing. What was I doing?! I started to feel physically ill. By this point my hair was butchered and I wondered if there was any way to turn back. (No.) I heard the front door open. And that marvelous man came into the room. He came in and almost instantly my heart slowed, my panic subsided. I've come to discover something about this man. He is my parachute. When I am in a wild downward spiral - he grounds me. This is not to say that I lack the power without him. No, it is more like: He helps me to know the power within.

He wrapped me up in his arms and then he laughed. And laughed and laughed. After that, we had fun. Any remaining fear was gone and together, we finished the job. 

***

That was two weeks ago and I'm ready to shave it again. I want to feel this for as long as it seems right. Plus, it's really just a lot of fun.

***

I cannot begin to describe or understand the full extent of this journey and adventure I am on. But I am so overwhelmed by this experience and so happy to have done it. I have found a confidence I didn't know was in there. I feel powerful. I feel bold. I stand tall. I am no longer content to remain in the shadows. Have you ever thought about shaving your head? Do it. Or whatever it is that you are drawn to but terrified of. Go and be.

***

"It is not given us to live lives of undisrupted calm, boredom, and mediocrity. It is given us to be edge-dwellers."

Jay Deacon

becoming

On Monday at the blog of the amazing Kris Carr, she and some of her team revealed their desires for the coming year.

I love this exercise and I think it builds on my post from last week.

I can already feel the power of this upcoming year. I know it will be so transformative-- there is truly the potential for boundless personal growth, new beginnings, abundance and healing.

I encourage you to sit and meditate over these questions. It's not too soon to get an action plan going for the upcoming year. I've never been one for clichéd resolutions but a few open-ended desires cultivate awareness and allow for expansive personal development.

※ ※ ※ ※

My three core desired feelings are: 

Nurtured

Energetic

Inspired

What I'm doing in 2013 to feel that way: Making time for myself first. Cultivating & nurturing my budding spirituality by adding yoga and meditation practices into my life. Creating a living spaces that allows flow rather than stagnancy.

What I'm doing this week: Clearing out my living space-- eliminating all the meaningless shit weighing me down.

What I'm no longer doing: Overextending myself and undervaluing my own capabilities and worth.

What about you? What do you want to cultivate in 2013?

Thanks for the reminder.

You know how sometimes life tries to get you to slow down. And the longer you go on, the harder it tries, until finally you're on your ass with life standing over you saying "What now?!"

Goodness. This past week month has been a bit like that. It just seemed like everything was coming to a head and even the simplest, most basic tasks were just too much.

So the Universe, in her infinite wisdom, kindly handed me a bout of mastitis that forced me to stay in bed, cycling between feeling freezing cold and sweltering hot, sleeping for about 20 out of the 24 hours. A slap in the face if there ever was one to not just slow down but STOP.

Only now, my to-do list is massive, but hey, I'm rested!

But I realized something while I was lying in bed. I've let myself go. I have truly failed myself. There was a time, not terribly long ago when I was making myself a priority; exercising, tending to my own needs, etc. Yet somewhere along the line, I lost sight of how important I am.

And it's easy to feel overwhelmed when you're neglecting yourself. Easy to feel resentful when you tend to everybody's needs but your own.

I've never done this before but I've read of other people doing this: I have chosen a word for 2013. A word to guide me and focus on throughout the year. A word to keep me in tune with my goals. I encourage you to do the same. My word:

Nurture

Here's to taking care of me. 

the long haul

I've really been struggling this past week or so. Everything I have been working on within myself has been challenged and negative emotions are continually bubbling up. It's a conscious effort not to let myself be dragged down and enveloped by them.

Among many others, there is one particular situation that has been testing me the hardest and it has the potential to become permanent, or at the very least, long term. It's incredibly difficult to stay committed when there are many aspects of it that are in such complete opposition to how I need and want things to be. And the way I my envision my family seems to be falling apart. {{Not my family~just the vision.}}

But then part of me says to carry on ... and to let go of control and judgement ... to let go of the "what-ifs" and "if-onlys"and accept what is.

I am sincerely trying to disengage from it all and recognize that everything is as it should be for this moment. I have the notion that there are amazing lessons to be learned if I would just let these experiences wash over me rather than pick them apart.

And so, I am here.

the spirit of the season

Like every year before, the holidays have once again snuck up on me. It always seems that one day the air is just becoming crisp and the leaves are a fire of colors. Then suddenly the world goes gray and asleep and winter's cold, dark embrace clutches our very bones.

Embracing the spirit of the season takes on a deeper meaning when you think beyond the consumerism and hustle and bustle typically associated with this time of year. With the impending hurriedness of the coming weeks, I thought it would be a good time to remind both you and myself to make time for, well, ourselves.

Now is the time to turn inward. Move slowly. Nourish and replenish body and soul. Rest.
Just as we cycle between sleep and wakefulness, so we cycle with the seasons. Allow yourself to mindfully process the previous year so you can recover and make space for the coming one.

Take a moment, if you will, step back from it all and b r e a t h e.

rediscovering myself

First order of business this morning: I get scared to write. So when I'm absent for days on end, that's likely why. It's not so much that I'm worried about you reading, it's more worry about what will emerge from the depths of me. You see, I'm on a journey. I've fought it for a while. But it finally occurred to me not to fear who I am becoming but to embrace it and not just enjoy the ride but be an active participant. Audacious, I know! So there's that. 

Now, about this journey... this transition. Where to begin?

I was raised in the Mormon church. I seriously questioned those beliefs in my teenage years and formally left the church when I was 20. Ever since, I've generally considered myself atheist/agnostic. In doing so, I neglected anything of spiritual nature, believing that was either nonsense or not a valid use of my time. All the while though, I've felt drawn to the belief that there is something else... something more. I've struggled with the idea that we live-we die-the end. I don't believe there is some man out there beyond that is God. But some kind of collective wisdom of every being, every soul ~woman, animal, rock & tree~ that has ever been... that resonates.

Right now, what I am drawn to most is absorbing information and more so, realizing and acknowledging the power that surrounds me. From crystals, the moon, within, beyond. Embracing my own soul and femininity seems like a good place to start and I'm feeling the pull of all these things. 

Years ago, a shaman friend gifted me two lovely stones, amethyst and quartz, and recently I have started to build a collection. I am beginning a meditation practice and have found that using these powerful crystals enhance and perhaps add focus to the experience.  This gorgeous piece arrived yesterday from Polly's shop and I am in awe. It is absolutely stunning. 

zara. amethyst necklace by polly

Brushing off the cobwebs and realizing I still have a soul has led me on an adventure. There are many more facets to my history, present, and future. I hope to share them with you and overcome my fears of digging deeper. 

dance

source

Forget your troubles and dance, 

Forget your sorrows and dance,

Forget your sickness and dance, 

Forget your weakness and dance

bob marley

[don't] go with the flow

I'm at a threshold of something great. I can feel my entire body and soul being drawn in a particular direction. But I stall. I doubt. I tell myself that I have no idea what I want. I allow myself to stretch to my limits in every direction but the one I am being drawn toward. I use the fearful scapegoat of procrastination. I know that if I would only focus my thoughts, intentions and actions, I will progress beyond my wildest imagination.

I have lost the path of intention and simply 'go with the flow' of my day. This may not sound like a bad thing but it is. It is, because rather than be an active participant in my life, I let it flow around and past me, not purposefully but apathetically. 

I find inspiration all around me these days. So many women before me have set their intention to be true to themselves and seek out that which their souls needs to thrive. And if it's not there, they create it.  I want to be one of those women. I want to create a reality that is full of purpose and joy for myself and also bring that to others. 

soul searching

I find myself here, in this space, yet again. The idea struck me recently that perhaps the time had come to again devote some intention to my thoughts... acknowledging them, releasing them, allowing them to flow. 

Does Autumn do this to you? I have noticed this pattern over the last three years that at Spring & Autumn, the seasonal transitions also beg for internal progression. Particularly in the Fall, I feel a deep desire to seek and absorb wisdom, allowing it to propel me on the next leg of my journey here. Whether in regard to parenting, womanhood, creativity, spirituality... my appetite for insight and inspiration is insatiable. 

Thus, I am here, prepared to share my thoughts and hoping to find my way.

merci, danke, gracias

:: my loves

::  snacks

:: technology

:: snowy mountains

:: friends

:: warm days in November

:: vacations

:: second chances

:: books on cd

:: coffee

I am having an existential crisis.

It seems silly to be so influenced by a damn documentary, but I recently watched How the Earth Was Made and ever since I can't stop thinking: what if nothing matters! 

The film is basically a timeline of the planet's creation and is really quite fascinating.

 Once it reaches present day however, it doesn't stop. 

It continues with predictions of an ice age in so many thousand years and the eventual death of the planet in a few billion. 

Yes, I realize I will be loooong gone at this point but I can't get over the fact that 

no matter what we do, create, think or believe,

 our beloved blue and green will go the way of barren Mars. 

Am I a nihilist?

I just feel like, what's the point? I haven't given up... I plan to live a full life. But still,
 I will die, the Earth will die. 

It's the end beautiful friends...

being present

With a shocking frequency lately, my daughter's various requests have been met with no/later/in a minute and so on.

Dishes need to be washed, laundry folded, the baby fed... 

I am making time for everything but her.

I've turned down board games, park trips and yes {regretfully}, even cuddles.

I admit, I find sitting on the floor playing trains or dolls a bit tedious but when did a clean sink become a higher priority than cuddles?

Undivided attention and affection are such a basic needs and surely have great impact on our children's lives. Yet how often do we find ourselves too "busy" or simply bored by the idea to spend time with our children.

I fear that one day, my "no" will be the last because she'll never ask me again, having been turned down so many times. Apologies then will be too little, too late. 

The thought literally turns my stomach and aches my heart.

My children awe and inspire me. I have found joy in motherhood... it's where I belong. 

It seems silly that I have to consciously choose to make this effort but I am committing to myself and to my babies to be fully present for them and take the time to truly meet their needs... to quit brushing them aside for another time.

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have a tea party and snuggle my girl.

bring it

It started in the 5th grade. All around me, girls started growing boobs! Not me though. From there it was my curly hair, my height (or lack thereof), my skin, teeth, and body.
Oh, my body.
I became the Queen of Comparison Shopping.
The "pretty girls" were everything I wasn't. 

As I entered my teen years, youthful slenderness gave way to feminine curves that I was less than grateful for.
And those boobs I envied back in 5th? I got them... and I hated them.
 At 16, I got a job at an amazing chocolate shop. We were encouraged to eat as much as we wanted so we could describe flavors to the customers.
Luscious caramels, decadent truffles, rich fudge. Heavenly.
 I packed on a good 20 pounds in my first few months there.

The chocolate shop is now years behind me but those twenty pounds, plus some baby weight and some lazy weight, have stuck around. Rather than do anything about them, I've continued with the useless comparison game. Until now.
Screw comparing my body to other women! It's gotten me nowhere.

This body, my body, has grown some amazing babies.
 My breasts have nourished them, my arms have held them.
(They even inherited my curly hair!)

It's high time to show this body some gratitude!

I begin this journey with a challenge, a jumpstart to the real me. By nourishing my own body and exercising its muscles, I will prove myself I care. And in showing my body I appreciate her, I hope to teach my children to love theirs too.